“It Will All Be Better in the New Place” – The Post No Aspiring Expat Wants to Read

“It will all be better in the new place.” This is what my husband and I have told ourselves and each other during the ten times we’ve moved houses, cities or countries over the last 21 years. It’s part joke, part hope. This is what we want to believe. And it helps to keep the momentum going that is needed for making big changes.

If you’ve ever dreamed of chucking it all and moving abroad, you may have said or thought this too. Won’t everything be better in the new place? It should be, right? What is so flipping annoying is that it all won’t be. More likely, a lot of things will be but not every single thing. Our problems have a way of sneaking into our luggage when we’re not looking. They don’t call it baggage for nothing. 

We hope whatever problems we have will be left far behind along with the cantankerous neighbor we’ve been trying to avoid for a few years. We imagine things changing so drastically that our problems will conveniently disappear during the drive or flight, or at least will be resolved once we get settled in. And for a short time after the move we believe it. We think we’ve done it. Unfortunately, some problems will still be lurking out there waiting to resurface, and there might be new problems (gasp!) we hadn’t anticipated. This all happens precisely when we start to feel settled. Bam! Undoing our newly found bliss. 

So what to do? Start where you are. Realize these problems or challenges are some kind of lesson or obstacle that must be addressed and overcome if possible. Maybe they’ll be with us forever, sigh. And maybe, they will be in the rear view mirror sooner than we think. It helps to remember challenges help us grow, build resiliency, patience and empathy among other admirable traits. 

I’ve found the more I hide from my problems, or hide them from others, the worse they get. We may have to ask for help. I’ve found that friends are my first and best go-to when my worries start to creep up. About 99% of the time the friend shares her own worries, and then we both feel better. Often times they have had the same or similar issue or know someone who has that may be able to help. 

What to do if you are far away from friends, don’t speak the language, and haven’t made any new friends yet? You may not realize it, but there are a LOT of people aching for connection. Be the one to start the friendship. Get out there! Push yourself to join an expat community. The first coffee meet up I went to last fall, I overheard a woman say she had a teenage daughter. I have a teenage son. Right then, before we’d even been formally introduced, I asked her if we could exchange phone numbers, and she said, “Of course!” Sandhya immediately understood that I was needing another mom of a teen to talk to, and I believe she felt the same. We’ve been talking over coffee and other beverages ever since.

I made new friends at Consum, my grocery store here in Valencia, when I heard a man speaking in English to his young son. I delayed starting a conversation at that moment, not wanting to seem a stalker, but when I was near the checkout line, and saw him again, I felt I had been given another chance. I started chatting, and literally in seconds we were discussing the type of resident visas we’d gotten. His partner who was in line to check out immediately came over and told him to get my phone number. Boom! Instant friends with Annie and Ross!

Walking home another day feeling extremely lonely, I overheard a little girl speaking to her mother in English. After a few more steps, I just had to interrupt and ask her where they were from – England. Mel was very friendly, and I think sensed my need to connect. She suggested we exchange numbers and asked if I’d like to go for a walk later that week. I spilled my guts on that walk, and then she told me her story of being a single mum and how she had come to live in Spain and make a new life here, a great life. 

Life is fraught with uncertainty, loneliness, the exhaustion of parenting and so much more –  the list can go on forever. So when the moving van empties, and the adrenaline rush of moving has abated, you may start feeling uncertain, scared, lonely, and want to curse that everything is not better in the new place, reach out. Don’t delay, because the sooner you can find a friend, a coffee buddy, a school mom, another expat, the better. It won’t all be better in the new place, but a whole lot will.